guess who

so after you do the dance. you then start to drive. now you speak.



in other words you have shut out fiction, begun to meditate , you started to work through your problems and have opened the door to other life forces. next question should be what other life forces.



1. magnetic fields

2. spirits

3. mediums



now you know your voice, mannerisms and all that makes you , you. so start speaking.. listen for the tones in your voice to change, take note to whether its all you or not. because you already know you are not mentally ill and your not hearing voices others don't hear.  you are merely speaking your mind.  you have already taken a stance on what and why you believe that so if you start thinking other thoughts all the sudden where did they come from. this is why no tv is good, because its not your imagination. it is either that of the living or that of the dead. if it is that of the dead whom is it? what do they have to say? how can you help them or perhaps they can help you. if it's that of living then what?

automatic or manual?

if you started the dance , awesome tell me  what do you hear when you meditate.

understand there is a lot out there in our own spaces.

in order for you to know who is speaking to you when you meditate you need to know yourself. how well do you know yourself? your voice? your reactions to specific thoughts? your mannerisms? your desires? your coping mechanisms?

the way I suggest to do this is by the following

1. put headphones on listen to what ever music  

You like. Or no music 

2. Sit where you feel comfortable 

3. let your mind wonder

if you lived any place similar to la la land and have your own tales to tell this is the time to do that. most people when they meditate push everything out , all the hurt and pain accrued in ones life. but this is what you need to work through first. music is a great reminder of not only happiness but also pain. I suggest you live in your pain to fully understand your role in it. then you can let it go. for instance if hate a song or movie because it reminds you of something painful then watch it or listen to it alone repeatedly until your role in the pain or victimization in the pain is truly felt again. Cry if anger and rage occur please stop and consult medical advice. my fault , is a poem I wrote about my feelings on my parents divorce and my mother not being in my life full time growing up and how I dealt with it as an adult. Which also dubs for you :(

now when you open yourself up in this way please note you are vulnerable to other life forces. once you know yourself in and out then you can say that wasn't me or I forgot I used to be that way. the goal should be truth about yourself and potentially others.

my meditation plan is this
Honestly, meditation has turned into torture for me ! People I fear have gotten angry with my words of encouragement, respect and dignity. I’m not sure who I offended. I have tried to apologize, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It has made me fear leaving my house, to go sit in nature basically to do anything I want or enjoy doing. Perhaps you could help me and meditate on this for me and ask them to stop trying to hurt me . ❤️ 
respect* life, 

the dance revisited 4/15/2014

I ask what is reality to you.





now that factors which dictate my reality maybe different than yours , so when they say reality is what you make it. ok , I believe that. well as a 38 year old woman i never thought about reality. because I didn't know any better. reality to me was based upon  that what was on tv ( news , reality shows, live events) that what I was taught in school and that I lived at home with. therefore if you know I lived in la la land for many years , you might think my reality is distorted. 

however, I think a reality based on what other people tell you or do to you and working for spare time is distorted. I believe we as a human race have just learned to accept all that is bad. I say NO! If you teach someone the sky is yellow when it is really blue then they grow up believing the sky is yellow. that would be their reality .how would you teach someone that the color yellow was really blue? that a lie was actually the truth. I suppose it comes down to trust... 

whom do you trust when all you know let you down ? I only say this because of a serious of unfortunate events that occurred from 7/12 - 7/13 . Although it’s 10 years ago it’s still there , here in my life the reason to why I am not what I should, could, want to be or achieve. And each day my “ baby girl “ doesn’t call me or son yells at me i remember oh ya , vocational rehabilitation, bend and  Lancaster police , DHS , civil rights, humanitarian rights , any profit non profit organization you would call for assistance if needed or to report an allegation of abuse such as governor , the court house .  ( I was to scared to call the fbi ) 

Now please just tell me who is there to trust when you are an adult and being abused no it’s not domestic, no I’m not elderly no I’m not a child . I simply just feel that these people need to be reprimanded and or terminated from their position for reason and evidence I’d gladly give. I give up abuse won roll over people take it . It gets worse every day today it maybe me , tomorrow is it you, you being the next person who needed assistance or expected any of those personnel to be ethical, or follow their policies and procedures and perhaps that’s part of the issue, the policy and procedures. Do you think that if a person called the police station asking for tge state police number that they should be given the Ronald McDonald house number instead? Or be hung up on of course after I sent a formal complaint about the actions of the police during my encounter with them on aug 20, 2012 at @1409 . I asked my friends and family to please get the transcripts from the 911 call and the two follow up calls with the supervisor around 2300 pm I made when I was in a public place and suddenly felt weak and as if I was going to pass out. As I lay on my phone for 20 mins alone scarred not knowing what was wrong with me and my life line the ent operator was ignoring me . I thought that was their job ? When the police did arrive I am pretty confident that they surrounded me in swat team if the officers had weapons aimed at me I would not be surprised. But why did he scream my name at the back of my head ? Not it’s ok help has arrived? It maybe was due to the beginning part of the call , she said she needed to ask me questions, 1. Do I have a mental health disorder? I said yes depression but for the first time I fell pain not associated with sadness therefore I know it’s not my mental health. 2. Was i bleeding? I said no . 3. Was anyone shooting at me . Again I said no . Well about 15 mins after laying there unable to move scared and crying she wasn’t responding so I said if I told you that I was bleeding would they be here any sooner? Fine I’m bleeding. If I told you they were shooting would they be here any sooner fine they are shooting. But still swat team ? The police station was less than two miles from me you really mean that in a Monday at 1340 that they were so busy that it took them that long to arrive or that long to terrorize a woman who simply needed to have lab work at the hospital. Not that when the emt arrived after the police and then finally arriving at bend memorial hospital ( Karen , still wondering if that rn works there ) all of these organizations asked me the same questions, there’s a major problem with communication. And as a practical nurse I had clinicals with an emt crew I got the basics of how they operate. Not in bend! They straight up kneel down ti your face and say there’s nothing wrong with you I’m not taking you anywhere. He finally did and the rn is next. Again as practical nurse I know that if a patient is nothing by mouth for numerous reasons they are permitted ice chips. Well this nurse tried to give me a mouth swab , ya know what you’d use on person in a coma. Or an elderly person with dysphasia. I also had issues with vocational rehabilitation and dhs youd almost think it was a conspiracy. But I know better. It was just a perfect storm of neglect, willful infliction of pain , emotional abuse, wrongful restraint, involuntary seclusion. According to what the state of Oregon s revisited statutes on abuse stated. Not to mention gross negligence of authority, and terroristic conduct . When the police department treats you in that manner it definitely warrants such has words.

That’s the “ what happened to me “ in bend . Which didn’t stop there but I’m emotionally drained and I need a break from this reminder of what made me the half a woman I am today .

blue print (2014 revisited 7/9/22)

so the way I understand life to be as of current and what is acceptable by most of society is life isn't fair. that with out a doctrine , degree , political position or money I have no voice although I have speech. I thought if I used the 5 rights  right words, right person, right time, right documentation in the right way that id be covered. until I remembered life isn't fair.
so than I sit and think ok how COULD life be fair. what would need to happen for life to be fair? my nursing skills kick in and my mind goes right to simplicities needed for survival. food, water, clothing, shelter and a psychological support system. found out there is about 7.2 billion people whom would need this for life to be fair.
because life is simply that with a never ending flow of molecules until you cease to breath . now to live a life in the year 2014 is up for debate. it depends on your lifestyle choices. because you have life that's the miracle. so how could you assure a proper psychological support system for life to be fair to make the right lifestyle choices to be able to live a life in the year 2014?
technically we should already have this with our parents needed to start the process of life in the first place as it takes two. however because life isn't fair first many are set up for failure before they are even born simply because of the parents deficit some how passed or given to them in the course of them living life. so for life to be fair we need to know exactly what to do , how to do it and to be able to do it.
how do you teach 7.2 billion people what, how and ability to have and maintain food, water , clothing , shelter and psychological support system so life is fair ? 

8 years later as I’m reminded of how my priorities have changed shifting from what should we do , what could we do , into realization there’s no we . So what can I do , then life reveals a twist not only isn’t it fair it mean and cruel. Oh wait that’s just you there will always be more of you As there is only one me. So selfishly I focus on survival amiss the abuse. I never said everyone for themselves please reread what I originally said. Remember, you made the we nonexistent so I can’t help you now. I wanted to , but abuse got in the way . 

“Haha he laughed it’s not abuse it’s communism. He said we can make the us a third world country. We simply strip the people of their judiciary system . Untangling the law until it’s amended and implemented on those who are poor or have an unfortunate issues. “ *

* written by an unknown source 

Ouch ! Well if he’s the man I charge , of this communism then I have choice but to listen. As that’s what communism is . I choose to live .